Red Dwarf - My Amazing Favourite Jokes

Along with Blackadder, Red Dwarf is my favourite sit-com ever. The humour from the show came from some brilliant writing that extracted the soul of each character before mercilessly and cleverly creating hilarious situations from them. These are my best ten jokes from Red Dwarf but be warned, my sense of humour has often been called odd, so some of these might not be too obvious. But I still love them.


10.Eating Rimmer’s Dad (Better Than Life)
When a mail pod arrives at Red Dwarf, Rimmer gets a letter from his mother (“Dear Rimmer,”) explaining his father’s unfortunate demise. Of course he’s dead; with the exception of the slovenly Dave Lister, the whole human race has expired. But receiving this letter causes Rimmer and Lister to have a touching moment in the mining ship’s observation booth (which is strangely never seen again in the series). “Owwwwwwww! Oooooh! Eeeeeeeeeeh, I’m hungry, feed me!” punctures the sad atmosphere as the cat announces his arrival in his customary manner. “Cat, Cat, Rimmer’s Dad’s just died!” exclaims a perturbed Lister. The cat looks indignant. “I’d rather have chicken.”

9.Deathday Treat (Thanks for the Memory)
When the boys celebrate Rimmer’s Deathday a smidgen more enthusiastically than they should have, Lister offers up his special hangover-cure: a triple fried-egg sandwich with chilli sauce and chutney. “You what?” mutters a delightfully morose Holly. “It’s a state of the art sarny!” claims an excitable Lister. “It’s the state of the floor I’m worried about.” comes the laconic reply.

8.Pleading with Vegetables (Quarantine)
When Rimmer contracts a dangerous form of holovirus, he imprisons the rest of the crew in quarantine as they return from a stricken spaceship. Eventually revealing his true colours, the crew have this brilliant exchange:-

RIMMER: I can't let you out.
LISTER: Why not?
RIMMER: Because the King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here. Keep you here for ten years.
CAT: Could we see him?
RIMMER: See who?
CAT: The King.
RIMMER: Do you have a magic carpet?
LISTER: Yeah, a little three-seater.
RIMMER: So, let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane?! I think that warrants 2 hours of W.O.O.
LISTER: What's W.O.O?
CAT: You had to ask.
RIMMER: With ... out ... oxygen. No oxygen for 2 hours. That will teach you to be bread baskets.

And then to finish the gag off…

LISTER: What do we do?
CAT: I think our only hope's the Potato King.

7.Quagaar Warrior (Waiting for God)
This hilarious exchange exemplifies for me how clever the writing was in early Dwarf. There isn’t even really any punch line or joke, it’s just simply funny and extremely well written. When Red Dwarf encounters what Rimmer assumes is some sort of alien craft, the hologram finally breaks in the face of Lister’s incessant musings on the fate of the cat race. “LOOK, I'M SICK TO DEATH OF HEARING ABOUT THESE STUPID CATS! MY CONCERNS ARE SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT KIND OF STUPID, SMEGGING CARDBOARD HAT I'M WEARING! I'M TRYING TO DECIPHER THIS! THIS IS SCIENCE, LADDIE!” explodes Rimmer and how he kept a straight face I’ll never know. When Lister belittles his studies (“Never mind this tot…”), his colleague goes quite literally mental. “Tot? Tot? TOT! WE'LL SEE HOW TOTTY THIS IS, LADDIE, THE QUARANTINE PERIOD'S NEARLY UP! ....BASTARD!”

And of course the final joke is on Rimmer: “IT’S A SMEGGING GARBAGE POD!”

6.Never one when you need it (Psirens)
The Psirens are luring the crew to their doom, and whilst I’m not a particular fan of the episode in general this bit always makes me chuckle. When the boys discover something gruesome (“The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines” says Kryten), Rimmer asks who would do that. Lister, completely missing the point (maybe deliberately) chimes: “Someone who BADLY needed a pen.” in a suitably grim tone. Horrible – but funny.

5.Milk (Kryten)
When supplies begin to get low, Holly gleefully (well, as gleefully as Norman Lovett could be) informs Lister they’ve been running on dog’s milk for some time. “Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.” Why’s that? enquires Lister guardedly. “No bugger'll drink it.” replies the maudlin computer.

4.One Hell of a Night (The Last Day)
When Kryten is served notice of his impending replacement, the dwarfers celebrate at a party with Holly providing intoxicating liquor even for Kryten. The next morning Lister awakes in the company of a strange object: “We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can someone please tell me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?!” The joke is take one step further by (of course) the cat and his new-found apparel: “Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!” This totally ludicrous scene is never explained, making it even funnier.

3.Colour Blind (Queeg)
Holly is going (or gone) mad. Or senile, or both. Either way, this scene is a great set up to the computer’s April fool joke. Everyone is down in the computer room. The scutters have gone crazy and Rimmer has been separated from his legs. When Lister picks up a yellow lead, he naturally consults the computer. “Oh yeah, that joins up with the white cable.” it replies. After the very best the BBC Pyrotechnics department has to offer transpires, the camera pans back to a confused-looking Holly. “Or is the yellow cable? Yes, it should have been the yellow cable.” seemingly unaware of the pandemonium he has caused. Norman Lovett’s confuddled style fits the scene perfectly.



2.It’s a B… (Camille)
This isn’t one of my favourite episodes by a long chalk, but I love this opening scene. Lister is trying to break Kryten’s programming by forcing him to lie. By holding up fruit. “It’s a banana” mutters Kryten when Lister holds up a banana. After several attempts, Kryten finally gets it: “It’s…It's a b... It's a b... It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!” “It’s the Bolivian Navy on manoeuvres in the South Pacific!” Of course, when the cat wanders in and the duo demonstrate to him, Kryten can’t repeat the trick and goes back to correctly identifying the fruit. “You taught him that?” says the cat sarcastically, “That’s terrific! You two should audition for “What’s my fruit?””

1.So What Is It? (White Hole)
This scene is so finely tuned, so expertly written, it gets the honour of my favourite Red Dwarf joke. The mining ship has encountered a white hole which is causing all sorts of messing with the time-space continuum. This scene is so finely tuned, it gets the honour of my favourite Red Dwarf joke. It’s made even funnier by Kryten’s attempt to explain the phenomenon and represents the Cat’s finest hour.

So here it is, in its entirety…

CAT: So, what is it?
KRYTEN: I've never seen one before -- no one has -- but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
RIMMER: A _white_ hole?
KRYTEN: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe: a white hole returns it.
LISTER: So, that thing's spewing time back into the universe? (He dons his fur-lined hat.)
KRYTEN: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
CAT: So, what is it?
KRYTEN: I've never seen one before -- no one has -- but I'm guessing it's a white hole.
RIMMER: A _white_ hole?
KRYTEN: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the universe: a white hole returns it.
LISTER: (Minus the hat.) So, that thing's spewing time back into the universe? (He dons his fur-lined hat, again.)
KRYTEN: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.
LISTER: What time phenomena?
KRYTEN: Like just then, when time repeated itself.
CAT: So, what is it?

They all stare at him.

CAT: Only joking.
LISTER: (Suddenly upright, and minus his hat, again) Okay, so it's decided then. We consult Holly.
CAT: Hey, wait a minute -- I missed the discussion!
RIMMER: (Suddenly on the bench, where the CAT used to be sitting) We all did.
KRYTEN: (Suddenly on the table previously occupied by LISTER) Time is occurring in random pockets. The laws of causality no longer apply. An action no longer leads to a consequence.
CAT: (Back on the bench) So, what is it?
KRYTEN: I think we've experienced this period of time before, Sir.
CAT: Only joking.
KRYTEN: And that one. Since we're no longer affected by the laws of causality, we can override these time jumps if we concentrate.
RIMMER: Look, the only way out of this is to consult Holly.
CAT: (Snaps fingers) I'll go with that.
KRYTEN: Gets my vote.
LISTER: Okay, so it's decided then. We consult Holly.
KRYTEN: Ah, I think we've just encountered the middle of this conversation!
CAT: So, what is it?
LISTER: Ooh, someone punch him out.

Revival Retro Gaming Show 18/19th May 2013 at Wolverhampton

Here's my pics and comments for the fantastic retro gaming show Revival that I attended last weekend.

This marvellous wall of gaming goodness greeted each attendee.

Next to it was an Atari 7800. The game is Ninja Golf, a fantastic game where after taking each shot, you had to battle your way to the ball!

Next to the 7800 was the dear old Jaguar, here showing off the impressive Missile Command 3D.

Into the next room now, and an Intellivision and Atari 2600. RetroRik (and close relative I assume !) are having a go on Soccer.

Into the main room now, and there weren't many pinball machines, but they still proved popular.

This grand old arcade machine entertained me still.

RCM were present with an impressive display of rare machines.

A Spectrum +2 signed by various luminaries of the time.

The classic Amidar.

I'm not sure if they were an official part of the show, but I spotted these board games in a corner.

I am still in awe of the divide. Had to try a few classics on it.

30 years ago I didn't "get" Maze-a-Tron on the Intellivision. I still don't.

There were many sellers including this one, Rockrabilia. The Spectrum resting on its polystyrene was a rare early model and fetched an eye-watering £150!

The Halo ring was back.

Some classic arcade machines. I'm still useless at them all!

There was only one native Mega-CD game provided and it happened to be one of my favourites!

The horrible mushroom on top kind of ruins it, but here's the otherwise sexy Mega-CD/Megadrive Mark 1 combo.

A couple of shots of the TI-99

A poor Virtual Boy, sitting unwanted and unloved in a corner, its games lying beneath it liked spewed detritus.

The fruitcade was back (courtesy of Videogame Carnival), although not sure Track and Field games were good for the fruit.

There was an awesome VR unit present at the show into which anyone could climb. Pushing the top bottom on the "gun" made you walk forward.

The small screen on the left shows what the user can see.

Wall Pong was popular again as part of Matt Brown's Videogame Carnival.

As were the giant gameboys!

Overall it was a great show.  A big thanks and well done to Chris Wilkins (Boyo) and his team.

Retro Gamer Article Extras: Interceptor Software Part 3: Full Interview with Karl Hornell

Here's another full interview from my Interceptor From the Archives article, this time with Swedish programmer Karl Hornell. Karl did a whole bunch of Commodore 64 Players games for Interceptor such as Clean Up Service, Toadforce, Fungus and Fruity.

Retro Gamer Issue 115 is still available in most branches of WH Smiths or from the Imagine online shop.

Fungus

Jdanddiet: Hi Karl. So how did you come to work for Interceptor?
Karl Hornell: There was me and another kid in my neighborhood who were fans of Interceptor back in 1983 and liked to dabble a little in game development ourselves. Together we worked up the courage to contact them and ask the usual fan questions. (They sent us some free games in response, which we thought was pretty cool.) As my programming skills improved, I started sending them C64 games I'd made. Later on they informed me that they were starting a budget label and wanted to include my games in it. That was a dream come true.

JD: What was the relationship like?
KH: Mostly sporadic, because I lived in a different country. Typically, I'd mail them a game on a floppy disk and they would send me back a purchase contract. But in the summer of 1986 my family went on vacation to the UK and stayed in Tadley for a week. Richard Paul Jones very generously let us borrow his house. (If I remember correctly, he had recently moved out and was in the process of selling it.) While my parents and brothers were sightseeing, I spent my days in an office at Interceptor, putting the finishing touches on the game "Fungus". Then I also got to meet Andrew Challis, Kevin Parker and Julian Jones, but at the time I wasn't very fluent in English, so we didn't talk much.

JD: What did you work on for them?
KH: Just freelance stuff. All my Players games: "Fruity", "Ronald Rubberduck", "Velocipede", "Clean Up Time", "Velocipede II", "Fungus", "Toad Force" and "Clean Up Service", plus "Melonmania" for Interceptor.

Clean Up Service

JD: Which games in particular did you like?
KH: Early on I was very fond of Ian Gray's work. The games he made were simple but elegant. I spent countless hours playing "Get Off My Garden!"

JD: When did you stop working for Interceptor?
KH: It's hard to specify an exact time. The idea was that when the C64 eventually became obsolete, I would make games for the Atari 520 ST instead. The company gave me (and presumably some of the other developers) one of those machines, along with a very heavy and completely incomprehensible box of photocopied technical reference manuals. Unfortunately, the 520 ST was a lot more complex than the C64. It was also a lot harder to find informative programming articles about it. I had to start from scratch and didn't know a single person I could ask for help. To make matters worse, I had recently started studying Engineering at the university and didn't have nearly enough spare time anymore. It was a hopeless situation. I got as far as a half-finished "Fungus 1.5" before I gave up.

JD: What did you do afterwards and since?
KH: In some ways I've been trying to relive the late 1980s. When Java was released for the web, I developed a lot of clones of old C64 games. And when Mophun and Mobile Java came along, I did the same for those platforms. Currently I work as an iOS developer, with occasional hobby projects on the side.

Toadforce

 

JD: Any other memories that could interest readers?
KH: At the beginning of our stay in Tadley, my family was shown around the office at Interceptor. We were introduced to the software development and graphical design departments. Richard Jones was highly enthusiastic about their new airbrush tool (an actual physical device -- this was before Photoshop), which allowed for photorealistic illustrations, and wanted their in-house artist to demonstrate it with whatever he was working on. That turned out to be a softcore pornographic painting. Oops! But this was a more innocent time. Today I think it would have felt rather awkward if the head of a company had included something like that in a tour for a family with children.

Perhaps a little undeservedly, for a short while Interceptor made me the poster boy for their Players label. After "Fungus" was released, they managed to get a three-page article about the game and a short interview with me in the magazine Computer and Video Games. I'm sure it was good PR, but to this day I'm still embarrassed at my stupid responses to the interview questions. And to top it off, they illustrated it with a horribly ugly cartoon drawing of me and my pals I'd sent to Interceptor years earlier.

My thanks once more to Karl for his time.

Retro Gamer Article Extras: Interceptor Software Part 2

Check out issue 115 of Retro Gamer for the full story on Interceptor. Meantime here's a video that Richard Jones kindly supplied, a clip from a news show feature on Interceptor that appeared back in 1985.

More soon...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ig8xP9H2W6Q&list=UUdc6Ret7oC54qankOZJ3oAQ&index=1

Retro Gamer Article Extras: Interceptor Software Part 1

This month's issue of Retro Gamer magazine (115) features my article on Hampshire-based Interceptor Software (also known as Interceptor Group). As usual with any "From The Archives" feature, there's a few interviews that didn't make it at all into the piece and others only a few snippets. Here's one that I unfortunately had to cut completely, with Chris Johnson, who had a short but interesting stay at Interceptor.

For the full story of Interceptor, issue 115 is still on sale and can also be ordered from the Imagine Publishing shop: https://www.imagineshop.co.uk/magazines/retro-gamer-issue-115.html

So here we go!

Jdanddiet: Hi Chris. What was your previous experience prior to joining Interceptor and how did you come to work there? Chris Johnson: I taught myself to program the Commodore 64 and had been writing demos. There was an extensive network of people writing and exchanging demos, one of them introduced me to Richard and Julian. After that, things moved very quickly, they offered me a job, arranged accommodation and helped me to settle in. I think it happened overnight!

JD: When did you join/leave?
CJ: I joined in Spring of 1987 and left in the Autumn.

JD: What was you role there?
CJ: A games programmer, working on the Players label, but also helping out a bit with Data Duplication.

JD: Which games were you involved in (if many, the most significant ones)?
CJ: The main one was Joe Blade for C64, which was a massive hit for Players. I also worked on Riding the Rapids and some others which I can’t remember.

JD: What was you impression of Interceptor, their offices and the Jones’?
CJ: This was my first job as a programmer, so I thought it was amazing. They let us be creative and there wasn’t much in the way of management or schedules. I have no idea how things actually ever got done!

Data Duplication seemed to have a lot of big contracts and be their main focus. The Jones’ had lots of business interests everywhere and weren’t exactly on top of things at Interceptor. Julian was the main driving force and was around most of the time.

There were a few other notable games companies around, so it felt like there was a community, with Thalamus, Incentive (Freescape). The AWRE was across the road from the office, if the internet had been available then I’d have been more concerned about that place.

JD: How and why did you leave the company (if not when it folded)?
CJ: I left in Autumn of ’87, tired of long hours and being far away from home. Must have been shortly after the Hurricane of ’87.

JD: How would you look back at your time working for Interceptor?
CJ: It was great fun, I made some lifelong friends and never returned to programming as full time job but remained in the games industry.

JD: Which games do you remember in particular or are particularly fond of?
CJ: Into the Eagles Nest was in development for Pandora, the team behind it were great and the game looked amazing. Of course Joe Blade was a smash hit too, the original game was coded on paper – a fantastic story in itself.

JD: Any other memories, stories or anecdotes you think would interest readers please let me know.
CJ: There were lots of fun and games, most of the development team were in there late teens and as such were pranksters. No single thing stands out for me.

JD: Finally, what have you been upto since Interceptor?
CJ: After leaving Interceptor I worked in games retail for a while, then joined Electronic Arts, UK for a while, then throughout the years a few other developers and publishers, Domark, Sony Computer Entertainment and Team 17.

Ever the early adopter, in 2000 I switched to working on games for phones, joining i-play, then in San Francisco at Sega and now I’m a Lead Producer at Zynga.

My thanks once again to Chris for his time.

Remembering Deathchase Extras: Interview with Eugene Kiyanov

For the final part of the Remembering Deathchase article extras, Eugene Kiyanov gives his thoughts on his Deathchase remake, the excellent Dark Rider for iOS. Please bear in mind English is not Eugene's first language!

"Hi,

My father was a hardware engineer and when I was 5, he made one [a computer] from raw microchip, it also has a custom box.

It was a cassete tape, when i first time run death chase, it also has lot of beeping while its loaded, and image on screen was generated row per row. 

From a technical viewpoint, the game was great, because it's try to make a real 3d feeling, and using only 8 colors, they do all best.

there is two reason why i start make it:

first: I start remake it in 2008, at this time there is nobody even trying to make some 'endless runners', and i think, it was a great idea make something 'endless' .

second: i have a small child and i also have a zx emulator on my phones, and surely i have deathchase rom for it. one time i saw my child playing it, and i think - i also was young when i first saw deathchase, and now my child also saw that, and he love it, but now that game can be much better ( visually ) than before.

After few weeks of development, i wanted to make great story line, and that where problems starts. I underestimate all work, all voice actors i need, artists, etc. so, after one year, i saw that some guys released 'Dead Runner'  - it has almost same concept, as deathchase, except, it dont have enemies, dont have levels, but you should run over forest.  So i decide - if i will wait more, i never release it, so, we cut off all cutcenes, helicopters, comics scenes, and make 'something simple endless'. "

 

Thanks to Eugene for his time. For more info on Dark Rider, click here: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/dark-rider/id331546183?mt=8

PC Gamer Magazine Lookback Part 1: Issue No. 4 March 1995

Ah, 1995. Microsoft were in the process of unveiling a brand new games-friendly operating system, the Playstation was beginning to trounce all other gaming machines and PC magazines came in two flavours: CD-Rom and Floppy disc versions.

PC Gamer was always my favourite and at the time these discs were very important. Unbelievably, many computers were still not connected to the internet, so the plethora of playable demos that adorned each issue's CD were of huge interest.

But what of the mag itself? Written by a clutch of experienced late 20's to 30-somethings, many who had cut their teeth on 8-bit magazines from the previous decade, the content was cheerful yet professional, varied and colourful. And most importantly, there were no dry features on the copious technical aspects of owning a PC - like Crash magazine 10 years earlier, this was unashamedly all about the games.

This is the CD-rom edition from March 1995.

On the cover is flight sim Flight Unlimited, Looking Glass' excellent rival to Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
Interestingly, PC Gamer gave the game two scores: 81% if you play the game on a bog-standard 486 which "runs like a tortoise on caffeine" to 93% if you own one of those "plush pentiums".

Also touted on the cover is an 8-page report on an American PC gaming exhibition called the Consumer Electronics Show - or CES for short. Any excuse to get to Las Vegas...

As you can see, there's a wide variety on the cover disc with demos of classic Lucasarts adventure Full Throttle, Id's Heretic, Mortal Kombat II and Kick Off 3, as well as a range of shareware games and extra levels.

Tir Na Nog was a famous 8-bit game from Gargoyle. With the help of Liverpool's Psygnosis, a remake was heavily previewed in this issue with input from Gargoyle's Greg Follis. The few screenshots on display provide a view of what looked like an interesting game, with an odd design seemingly based on the original, but with more point and click elements. Sadly, it wasn't to be and the project was abandoned early into development.
On the next page was a preview of a game from another old developer, Digital Integration. Unlike Tir Na Nog, however, Apache did see release.

Into PC Gamer's coverage of CES now as "where are they now" candidates Tia Carrere (Wayne's World) and Christian Bocher (Melrose Place) star in Virgin's cd-rom sci-fi extravaganza The Daedelus Encounter. Spread over 3 discs, PC Gamer are guardedly optimistic on the game, despite already nurturing a healthy disregard for FMV-laden efforts.

On this page the PCG boys highlight their favourite games of the previous two months. There's a nice breath of genres here: the destructive NASCAR Racing rubs shoulders with Westwood's RPG The Legend of Kyrandia 3, survival horror Alone in the Dark 3 and a brace of Sci-fi adventures in Wing Commander III and X-Wing Collector's CD.

Into the reviews section now and here's PCG's withering account of CDRom game Cyberia, another much hyped FMV-style game with pre-rendered backgrounds that played like a dog.

As I mentioned earlier, the PCG crew were already tiring of these sort of games and sci-fi adventure Cyberia did nothing to change their opinion of the genre.

Quotes include: "A worthless extension of Dragon's Lair"; "The backgrounds are by and large bland"; "Is it real or is it a game asks the advertisement. I hadn't noticed it was either."

Industry verteran Gary Penn gave Cyberia a poor 34%.

On the next page we have the review of Gametek's Hell. Incidentally, I've always loved the way PC Gamer gave one word titles to their reviews - although it has led me to get confused as to the name of the reviewed game on occasion!

Here they use the word "Soulless" to perfectly sum up a rather boring and empty game that secured a then-rare 18 rating thanks to half a second of bare skin.

Gary Penn was the "lucky" reviewer once more. I'll leave you with his amusing parting paragraph: "Those with anything approaching a life and in search of an entertaining diversion in the form of a strong story or even - gasp - unusual interaction should try something more stimulating, like counting out a million grains of salt." Miaow!

On a related note, Penn's fellow veteran Phil South wrote the adventurers journal column for PC gamer back then, and he rails in a similar fashion against the common FMV and prerendered games of the time that limited interaction so much that the player almost became a spectator in some grainy DTV endurance test.

He praises the freedom of movement of the FPS genre (in particular Doom and also the third-person Ecstatica) as a means by which the adventure and RPG genres can possibly expand into, skipping games akin to those above.

Finally a good game!

This is PCG's review of the outstanding Descent. Another sci-fi themed game, this shooter gave absolute freedom of movement, causing many players to get disorientated as you piloted your vehicle through the complex areas.

As it's still the mid-nineties, the internet has still not assumed the gargantuan presence we take for granted today.

This is shown more than anything by the "Diagnostics" section of this issue. In other words, tips.

Today you just look on IGN or one of the other exhaustive gaming websites for clues on how to beat games. Back in those days, the tips pages were God!

This is an advert for the largely unknown Operation Body Count, from US Gold and Capstone. Despite boasting many interesting features (controllable allies, destructible environments), the game reviewed poorly, mainly thanks to using the Wolfenstein engine, a year after Doom had blasted into everyone's consciousness. As a result, journalists were less than kind to its dated visuals despite the new features and the game was largely considered one of the worst first person shooters around at the time.

In an age of FPS ubiquity, at least Capstone tried to do something a bit different!

Finally for this issue, the regular subscription offer which, as befits the time, is staged into cd-rom and floppy disc. There's some pretty decent games too with Warcraft, Alone in the Dark 2, Dawn Patrol and Cannon Fodder 2 all available for nowt should you decide to subscribe to PC Gamer...

That's it for this issue, I'll be back with the highlights from another issue of PC Gamer soon.